You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
