Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
