woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
