he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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