I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
