he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
