my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
