Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
