wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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