i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
