I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she pinky promised me she was 18
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
