If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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