Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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