Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
