I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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