By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You ruined the universe
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
