I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
