Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
