Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
