Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
