Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
