i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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