Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
