The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
