my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
