I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
