Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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