I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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