life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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