I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
