Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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