hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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