Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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