I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
