Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
