Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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