I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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