I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
