I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
