A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
