who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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