Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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