better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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