Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
