I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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