Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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