did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
