Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
