bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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