what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
