I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
