Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
