Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
