A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
